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Farscape.Top.Ten.Lists
by Sorlk Lewis

Here they are the terrific top ten lists as seen on the Sci-Fi Bulletin Board.

"10 Ways To Tell If You Are A Lost Human" "10 Ways To Tell If You Are A Former Peacekeeper Chick"
"10 Ways To Tell If You Are An Evil, Scarran Half-breed Genius" "10 Ways To Tell If You Are A Crazy, Non-corporeal Energy"
"10 Ways To Tell If You Are A Talking Vegetable" "10 Ways To Tell If You Are An 'Insane Captain'"
"10 Ways To Tell If You Are A Luxan Warrior" "10 Ways To Tell If You Are Nebari Thief"
"10 Ways To Tell If You Are A Deposed Hynerian Dominar" "10 Ways To Tell If You Are Living Ship"
"10 Ways To Tell If You Are A Giant Blue Crab" "Top 10 Ways To Tell If You Are Staanz"
"Top 10 Ways To Tell If You Are Spider Woman And A Crustaceans Love Child"  

 

crichton"10 Ways To Tell If You Are A Lost Human"

10) Chess is your favorite game
9) "There is no chip in your head"
8) People write songs about your backside in black leather (great filk, Dani!) and have in depth conversations on your best "butt shot"
7) You're type happens to not be "pale, likes leather, has a bad set of choppers"
6) You seem to have a thing for PK chicks with "a" in their name
5) Your gun is named Wynona
4) Your right hand happens to be your only true friend at the moment
3) When someone asks about your sex-life, all you have to do is hold up your right hand
2) When you are told to "insert the rod", you have a hard time complying -- and it isn't a metaphor
1) You are Unique in the galaxy...and unique is always valuable, even at the sperm bank

~*~*~*~*~*~

aeryn"10 Ways To Tell If You Are A Former Peacekeeper Chick"

10) You used to be part of the UT's Nazi fan club
9) You have a thing for guys with the "k" or "c" sound in their last name
8) You don't have time for human nonsense, but you like it more than you will admit most of the time
7) A kiss is more than a kiss to you
6) You shower with your pulse pistol
5) "You can be more", but won’t let Crichton find out
4) Your lover’s right hand is still his best friend
3) You have Pilot "in you", but it's not like it sounds
2) You are frigid and flat butted which is why…
1) …You are currently playing the perfect role of a popcicle on ‘Hoth’

~*~*~*~*~*~

scorpius"10 Ways To Tell If You Are An Evil, Scarran Half-breed Genius"

10) Chip's aren't just a snack food to you
9) You really need to work on your tan
8) You give a new meaning to "gingivitis"
7) You don't torture people
6) Obsession isn't just your cologne
5) You're girlfriend is a blue chick who digs "eyes" cream
4) You can't stand the heat, but you refuse to get out of it
3) Black leather looks great on you
2) You wish to visit foreign lands, meet foreign people, and conquer other worlds
1) 'pop the rod' is Not a metaphor

~*~*~*~*~*~

stark"10 Ways To Tell If You Are A Crazy, Non-corporeal Energy"

10) You never really die
9) You really are "stark raving mad" at times
8) Your "plan" is your "fault"
7) Your girlfriend is a blue vegetable
6) All of you memories are "hidden" ones
5) You have a "happy place"
4) You are obsessed with "your side" staying your side
3) You have seen the "light", and show it to others sometimes
2) You could audition for "Phantom of the Opera"
1) "Thrill me again, Scorpy! Thrill me again!" is not some kinky pick-up line

~*~*~*~*~*~

"10 Ways To Tell If You Are A Talking Vegetable"

10) You're blue
9) When you get "mad", your eyes turn red, and we aren't talking red-eye in a picture
8) You have a chant for everything
7) You're "blood" can be used as a painkiller
6) You may be soft, but you are not weak
5) You can't make up your mind on being a priestess or not
4) If you could, you would never wear clothes
3) When you're hungry, you honestly could eat a horse
2) You have "photogasms"
1) "unity" ain't a metaphor, baby

~*~*~*~*~*~

crais"10 Ways To Tell If You Are An 'Insane Captain'"

10) You give out sentences of "irreversibly contaminated" more than Prowler parking tickets
9) You really aren't 'guilty' of dereliction of duty
8) You blame others for your 'difficult' childhood
7) You are all that you can be, in the PK Army!
6) You don't know how to share or play nice with others
5) You kidnap kids
4) You "ditch the firm, head off to Maui, shack up with the supermodel" and keep the Porsche regardless of the terms on the lease
3) You've changed, but your uncanny fashion sense hasn't
2) You don't use the kid you kidnapped for evil, you just use him to get what you want
1) You've got the "biggest guns" in the Uncharted Territories under your control -- and nope, it isn't a metaphor

~*~*~*~*~*~

d'argo"10 Ways To Tell If You Are A Luxan Warrior"

10) You have really bad luck when it comes to women
9) Your clothes are Really smelly because you wear the same thing every day
8) Your last fashion statement included chains
7) You vow to never be taken again...taken where is the only question
6) Your family would fit in perfectly on Jerry Springer
5) When you get mad, you either have to kill another male or get laid
4) You have tentacles...it's a life style choice
3) Your gun is mighty, and it even doubles as a sword which is mightier
2) You have many uses for your tongue...including incapacitating people
1) Size doesn't matter, but only because you are already "Big Guy"

~*~*~*~*~*~

chiana"10 Ways To Tell If You Are Nebari Thief"

10) Snurch and Procure are key words in your vocabulary
9) You think for yourself, but only if it is for the "greater good" or you are on a living ship with other fugitives
8) Your race has just further proved that protected sex is a Good thing
7) What you can't steal or eat, you seduce
6) You're favorite color is gray
5) You've taken the stone, but have not passed it yet
4) Your family would fit in on Jerry Springer more than D'Argo's would
3) You almost kissed your future husbands son
2) You can kick, kiss, or cry your way out of anything...or so you claim
1) Your boyfriend really is "Big Guy"...whether it is a metaphor or not, we don't know and we don’t want to

~*~*~*~*~*~

rygel"10 Ways To Tell If You Are A Deposed Hynerian Dominar"

10) You look like Kermits distant cousin
9) Your nicknames are "Sparky, Spanky, Fluffy, Buckwheat the Sixteenth"
8) Your actual cousin took your throne along with your many wives' you claim to have
7) You don't "snurch", you "procure"
6) When intoxicated, you tend to try pick-up lines on blue plants
5) You have three stomachs...whether that makes you a cow or not, we will never know
4) You’re not just a dominar, you are a dominatrix! (Please see WGFA for further details)
3) You fart helium and pee fire...you know, they have medicine and prevention programs for STDs
2) You're tiny, but haven't had too many complaints...or so you say
1) You have earbrows and they do more than just hear things

~*~*~*~*~*~

moya"10 Ways To Tell If You Are Living Ship"

10) Drugs are not your friends, and neither are the Peacekeepers
9) You don't trust your God because he has already tried to kill you once
8) You couldn't think of a name for your baby boy
7) Someone stole your baby boy
6) Arachnophobia happens to be one of your greatest fears
5) You have a crab living inside of you
4) You can't reverse starburst, but you manage to anyway
3) You are allergic to plants, especially meat eating ones
2) You are not a fan of BBQ
1) Birth control is not effective against Luxans

~*~*~*~*~*~

"10 Ways To Tell If You Are A Giant Blue Crab"

10) You have four arms
9) You are connected to a living ship
8) You've tried to commit suicide
7) You are second string
6) You are one hell-of-a bongo player
5) Your name and occupation are the same
4) Even when you are high, you claim to not be higher than your fixed position
3) You are joined at the hip with someone...literally
2) You have no sex life
1) You can regenerate your arms...luckily, that's all they cut off

~*~*~*~*~*~

staanz"Top 10 Ways To Tell If You Are Staanz"

10) You are a garbologist
9) Your transportation makes garbage men cringe
8) You can't smell worth a dren...or smell dren at all, for that matter
7) You're dental plan sucks, and it shows through your smile
6) Your solution to all problems: "whack it"
5) To show your tattoos', you have to drop trou and that shows more, or should we say less, than you think
4) Your race is all cut from the same cloth…good thing you don’t need any cloth to cover anything
3) You have used the pickup line, "Everyone needs a mate", because you have actually gotten *that* lonely
2) You are commonly mistaken for the opposite sex
1) How you even manage to have sex is a mystery

natira"Top 10 Ways To Tell If You Are Spider Woman And A Crustaceans Love Child"

10) You're blue all the time, but never depressed
9) Even you find Braca a brainless putz, and you've only met the guy twice
8) Your next apartment isn't going to have bay windows because of those dang leviathans
7) You distant cousin happens to live in the ocean and go by the name 'Crab'
6) Blue happens to be your favorite color, but for different reasons than 80% of the population
5) When you ask for eyes-cream, you mean it...that goes for "eye candy" as well
4) You buy all your bedroom furniture from Torturers-R-Us
3) Your head chef moonlights as an optometrist
2) Your type happens to be "pale, like leather, has a bad set of choppers"...luckly for you, Crichton's type isn't that
1) You run a bank, and luckily for Crichton, it isn't a sperm bank

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