Wayward astronaut John Crichton returns home after almost a decade away
from Earth, and brings his daughter. Insert your favorite disclaimer here.
Also, my only knowledge of any space program comes from re-runs of “I
Dream of Jeannie,” so don’t expect a lot of verisimilitude. Just suspend
I'm sorry for the delay - but it is really hard to type when you are curled up in the fetal position and sucking your thumb. (Incidentally, I lost my woobie - if you see it, please return to me ASAP). It takes me about six days to recover from each episode; that leaves one day to write, which I can't do because I'm too keyed up thinking "how are they going to resolve this?"
Warning (or reassurance:) Unlike the last four episodes on Scifi, this installment is completely explosion-free.
BTW: The last four episodes NEVER happened. It was all a mass hallucination (which was a side effect of the sheer horrid-ness of Black Scorpion--it is so bad that you don't even have to watch it to be affected by it). No one got hurt or burned or drowned. No one's brains have been through the Veg-O-Matic. The crew is just fine. Moya is just fine. No one is leaving Moya. Just repeat this over and over until March 16! I know I will be.
After the Spamfest, Rygel, Aeryn and John returned to the officer's mess. Everyone was milling about; the formal proceedings had not yet resumed. Chain was patiently talking to British Prime Minister William Windsor, who was clearly infatuated with her. Zhaan and Secretary General Jackson were discussing comparative theology. Jessica greeted Rygel, Aeryn and John, and said "John, you better get to the radio room - Dad managed to get a call through to Katie, and I'm sure she'll want to talk to you!"
John grinned, caressed Aeryn's cheek and said "Don't go far, Sunshine - I'll be back soon," and excused himself.
Rygel, acting as if he hadn't just eaten twice his body weight in Spam, headed for the buffet. "Well, I guess that leaves just us girls," Jessica said.
Aeryn smiled shyly and said, "May I ask you about human courtship?"
Jessica laughed and said, "Well, what did you want to know? Although I have to say John is crazy about you, so I don't think you have anything to worry about. Your Sebacean courtship customs must be working just fine."
"That's part of the problem," Aeryn replied seriously. "I was born a Peacekeeper, bred and trained for combat. I don't even know how Sebeacean civilians court each other. And courting with John isn't the problem, either. I, ah, have a problem with jealousy. How do humans deal with this emotion?" she asked, clearly uncomfortable.
"Well, mostly we try to not be jealous. We tell ourselves that if we trust someone, we have no reason to be jealous." Jessica shrugged. "It works. Mostly."
"I know I can trust John, but I don't know about the other women," Aeryn said as she frowned.
Jessica looked puzzled. "What other women?" she asked.
"ALL other women. I was even jealous of you at first, before I knew you were John's sister," Aeryn confessed.
"But has John ever given you reason to be jealous?" Jessica asked.
Aeryn, remembering Gilina and Jenavian, grudgingly said "No, not really. I mean, not since we've been together."
Jessica raised an eyebrow. "But apparently, women are throwing themselves at John left and right, and you are helpless to prevent it?"
"No, no," Aeryn said, shaking her head. "But I don't understand why not - I mean, he's so-John is very, well, he is quite desirable-I don't understand how Alex could have left him." Aeryn was suddenly uncomfortable with the conversation.
Jessica narrowed her eyes and said, "Let me get this straight. You're jealous of any woman who pays the slightest attention to John" (Aeryn nodded), "but you can't understand why all women DON'T fall in love with him?"
Aeryn scowled. "I have become completely irrational, haven't I?"
Jessica smiled. "You're just in love. Once you and John are married and he's got a wedding ring on, all those hordes of women will grudgingly stop throwing themselves at him."
"A ring? Is that really all it will take?" Aeryn sounded skeptical and hopeful at the same time.
"Well, if it doesn't, you could always tattoo "Property of Aeryn Sun" on John's forehead," Jessica joked, then filled Aeryn in on the basics of human engagement and wedding customs.
" Why does the man kneel when he proposes? And why do women have to wait for the man to ask?" Aeryn was full of questions, and Jessica did her best to answer them. " Gives away the bride? GIVE away, as in property?"
Jack and John Crichton were in the radio room, talking to Katie. They had already gotten the update on security measures from Leslie, Mike and DK. Jack had filled John in on the abduction attempt, but Katie sounded as carefree as ever. 'I guess when you've survived a deathcamp, an attempted kidnapping is no big deal,' John thought to himself.
"Uncle Mike and Uncle DK taught me how to play baseball! I couldn't hit anything at first, until Uncle DK explained that I had to multiply the angular velocity of the swing by the radius of the arc of the bat to increase the velocity-" Katie's voice said over the speaker.
"You mean, he told you to choke up on the bat?" Jack asked through laughter. Katie was glad to hear her granddad's voice again. Even though she knew it was only a nightmare, she was relieved to know that her Granddad was alive and not another victim of the Scarrans.
Katie sighed. "Granddad, it's more complicated than that! The acceleration in the vertical direction transforms to the gravitational constant, which is equal to 9.8 meters per second each second. Therefore, every second, the velocity of the ball increases by "
John was laughing even harder. "You sound like a real geek, Katie!"
"That's what Uncle Mike said! Daddy, what is a geek?" Katie asked.
"Well, your Uncle DK is a geek," John tried to explain.
"Oh, so it's a good thing!" Katie exclaimed. "Is that why DK can throw curve balls?"
"DK can throw a curve ball?" a surprised John asked his father. "He couldn't back when we were in high school." Jack merely shrugged his shoulders
"Daddy! Of course Uncle DK can throw a curve ball! It's only a matter of applied physics, after all." John and Jack could practically hear Katie roll her eyes at them. "All you have to do is take advantage of the Magnus Effect, where the stitches on a baseball cause more pressure to be on one side of the ball while it is spinning and it causes a faster movement on one side and forces the ball to curve "
John and Jack talked to Katie as long as they could, until the radio signal gave out. John couldn't wait to bring Aeryn to Maine so they could all be together, at least for a little while.
Meanwhile, at the buffet, Rygel was sampling just about everything.
"You seem to be enjoying the lobster rolls, Your Excellency," President Lieberman said as he approached the Hynerian.
Rygel licked his lips and replied, "Hello, Mr. President. Yes, they are quite delicious. Not as good as the Spam, but it'll do," Rygel said imperiously.
"Dominar, may I ask you a rather sensitive question?" the president asked cautiously.
Rygel narrowed his eyes as he asked "Why?"
President Lieberman studied the Hynerian for a few seconds, then said "To be blunt, Your Highness, some of the delegates are wondering why Earth should join the Territorial Alliance if they couldn't even win back your empire for you. Of course, the United States does not feel this way, we just need to be able to address the issue with the other delegates."
Rygel swallowed and said, "You don't pull any punches, Mr. President," Rygel said.
"Didn't think I needed to, Dominar" he replied.
Rygel maneuvered his throne sled so that he was at eye level with the American president. "I appreciate your directness. I'll be equally direct," he said with as little emotion as possible: "The Alliance can't help me reclaim my empire for the simple reason that it no longer exists. The Nebari virus did not reach Hyneria, so we did not sit idly by while they invaded our world; and since we are not susceptible to the temporary mind cleansing, the Nebari Establishment found it easier to exterminate over 600 billion Hynerians than to spend one hundred cycles to give us the permanent mind cleansing. I am one of only a handful of Hynerians left; I remain aboard Moya so that, as a negotiator, I may do all that I can to prevent another race from meeting the same fate. Tell that to the delegates."
John and Jack Crichton were deep in conversation as they walked down the corridor. "Really? How could you tell?" John, grinning, asked his father.
Jack threw an arm around John's shoulders and spoke. "Well, as if the way you talked about Aeryn wasn't a dead giveaway, all anyone has to do is see the two of you together and know that you're crazy about each other." Jack stopped, and pulled a chain necklace from underneath his shirt and over his head, revealing a woman's diamond ring. Jack said, "Give me your hand, son." He opened the chain's clasp and let the ring fall into John's open hand. "Use this when you're ready."
"It's Crichton, go ahead Pilot."
"General Crichton," Pilot began, and hesitated slightly, "I have a transmission from the Royal Planet. It is quite serious."
John furrowed his brow, wondering what it could be about. "Put it through, Pilot," he said as he walked towards Aeryn.
A familiar voice came over the comm. "Lord Crichton," Dregon Carzenova began, "I regret to inform you that the Scarrans have assassinated Empress Novia and the Regent."
"Sorry this is so choppy, but I'm really trying to move this thing along. Could someone please light a fire under my eema so I can finish writing this thing?" the ficwriter mumbles, because she's sucking her thumb.
"Looking for this?" Neeri says as he tauntingly waves ficwriter's woobie.
"Y-y-yes!" ficwriter says while hyperventilating, grabbing at the woobie, which Neeri yanks away at the last minute.
"Well, you'll get it back when you start writing again! We're getting bored, here! We've been waiting and waiting, haven't we, Em'lee?"
"Please please please, I'm so hungry!" Em'lee says in her fake helpless voice as the lightbulbs on her head turn red.
"You brought the calcivore with you?" ficwriter asks, eyes wide.
Neeri sneers and says "Well, you were the one who wanted to bring her back in this fic, but it's not like you've written very much in the last month!"
Ficwriter hyperventilates, then passes out.